Sunday, September 7, 2014

Changing Tides

I have never been consistent with my blogging. I've always wanted to be, but for some reason it always slips my mind. This doesn't mean I don't love this blog, because I do, and very much. I love sitting down in the morning and sipping on coffee while I write a post, pondering the topic. Infact, it's not even blogging that i'm inconsistent with these days, but with YouTube as well, and now that I think about, all of my social media has been set aside at a distance. 

I don't like this, and I want to get back to were I was years ago, when I was blogging up a storm.

Now when something like this occurs, I think to myself "why is this happening? why am I letting what I love go?" The answer is much more complicated than a quick statement or paragraph, because it brings me to tremendous heartbreak and pain that I have tried to avoid by not thinking about it (for the more I think about it, the more it hurts). There is no simple way to explain things, so i'll just come out and say that my grandma, who raised me and was a second mother to me is almost dead due to kidney cancer. It makes me really sad to even write about this so I won't talk too much on the subject except for the fact that I've known since June 10th, and in the span of nearly three months, she has turned into basically a vegetable and someone I don't recognize anymore. We had our last conversation and I didn't even realize it was our last which eats me alive. I have been down at her house (where I was supposed to move before she got sick) having to clean it up and sift through years of memories, and it's so weird. I see pictures, or things and it's like I'm a ghost watching the past. There are so many things that are racing through my head, like she'll never see my get married, or even meet my future fiancee, or see and great grandchildren. She won't see me go to my dream college or graduate (however I'm grateful that she saw me graduate from high school) or out those skills to use and see if I (hopefully) one day become a celebrity stylist or ceo of a pr agency. All of these things break my heart. 

This is where I stop because I really can't bear to go on right now, and can only think about things in small doses. Of course there are other things that I have to deal with right now, but none as detrimental as this. My hearts been broken before, but not like this, it's different because I see her decline every day and it's a suffering, slow, monotonous death and I couldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

Yesterday I went to the ocean for a little while to watch the sunset, where the tides were unusually high like I've never seen because of a hurricane in Mexico, and since i've never seen them that high it had me thinking about how it's such a big change from what is always there, and what has always been. I've grown up close to the ocean for the better half of my life and they've never been as big.  I couldn't help but to draw the comparison about what a big change it will be without my grandma here with me. 

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